It has been exactly one year since Dennis was first diagnosed with cancer. It has been both the best and the worst year, the fastest and the slowest time. The year has been filled with these kinds of contradictions, changing our sense of time and space. We live in the present, always aware that the taste of a particular food, a warm shower, a nap taken together, a walk hand in hand, could be the last one taken. One never knows when that last time anything will happen, and so the present becomes so vividly real. This presentness is comforting, for the past and the future are too difficult to dwell upon.
Dennis continues to rest comfortably, surrounded by the love being showered on him from so many, keeping us lovingly in the present.
We wish you all a moment of true presentness today.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Force
Dennis has slowed down considerably over the past four days and speaks only when necessary. He does so enjoy having the emails and comments that friends and family have sent read to him. He nods in acknowledgement as we read to him, his face softening. Members of the hospice team have separately commented on his strong and determined spirit. Dennis continues to be a force to be reckoned with.
Monday, January 25, 2010
An Evening at Home
We spent the evening exactly as Dennis wished, surrounded by his children and his brother, as we laughed and reminisced and watched one of Dennis' favorite movies, Dances With Wolves. Jessica has inherited Dennis' mark making ability, as witnessed by the sketches she has been making of him during the past few days.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 361
It is almost a year since Dennis was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He has been a true warrior throughout this journey.
His health has deteriorated quite a bit during the past few days but he continues to fight a brave battle.
His health has deteriorated quite a bit during the past few days but he continues to fight a brave battle.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Caring Hands
So many people have offered and given help to Dennis during the past few weeks. He so enjoys the visits he gets from friends and family, giving focus and meaning to his days. We are both so very grateful for the community of help.
Dennis continues to struggle with the accumulation of fluids, called ascites. They seem to be accumulating faster and the procedure to get rid of them more difficult to tolerate. He is needing more pain medications which have their difficult side effects.
Dennis is alone for about 3 hours every Tuesday and Thursday. He does need to be checked up on during the times I am away from home, so I am asking our community of friends to help with Dennis' care during these times. I have started a volunteer calendar on http://nac.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/621299/ if anyone is interested in helping us through this time.
Dennis continues to be a true warrior, rising everyday with verve and determination and never a complaint about his plight. He speaks about the blessed life that he continues to live, grateful for the time spent with loved ones. It is I that is blessed with the presence of such a bodhisattva.
Dennis continues to struggle with the accumulation of fluids, called ascites. They seem to be accumulating faster and the procedure to get rid of them more difficult to tolerate. He is needing more pain medications which have their difficult side effects.
Dennis is alone for about 3 hours every Tuesday and Thursday. He does need to be checked up on during the times I am away from home, so I am asking our community of friends to help with Dennis' care during these times. I have started a volunteer calendar on http://nac.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/621299/ if anyone is interested in helping us through this time.
Dennis continues to be a true warrior, rising everyday with verve and determination and never a complaint about his plight. He speaks about the blessed life that he continues to live, grateful for the time spent with loved ones. It is I that is blessed with the presence of such a bodhisattva.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas Cheers
Darcy has been our Christmas Elf during the holidaze, and has been a very good sport about it.
One main aspect of my physical condition just now is that I am retaining fluids in a major way. This is a real nuisance, in that my lower extremities are just filling up. I look like one of those old people you see with the swollen ankles and legs (and other body parts, too, that I prefer not to discuss). It’s pretty comical, if you have a certain sense of humor, but mostly is a real hindrance. Basics such as putting on socks and pants, or climbing a flight of stairs or lifting your legs into bed become major accomplishments.
My stomach is swollen to what I would call a serious beer belly. I have a whole new sympathy for women pregnant in the later months (and cowboys with a real beer gut and a large cowboy belt buckle). No pair of pants fits, since there is so single spot where the pants will stay.
The partial remedy is that every week or so I go in to have my stomach drained. It is a miraculous procedure. They stick a needle into my stomach and literally drain out four or five liters. That is more than 10 pounds of fluid suddenly gone from my midsection, and boy, do I feel like a new man right after it happens. There is some discomfort to the procedure, of course, (nothing is a free ride here), but it still is a wonderful thing to me.
As to where the fluid is coming from, there could be several sources, so it is a little hard to trouble shoot this and just stop it at the origin. Evidence in this case shows that the fluid is primarily being caused by the tumor itself. The fluid does have cancer cells in it. This is not welcome news, of course, but hardly surprising. There have also been some suspicious spots that have shown up on the liver. We are also keeping an eye on a blood clot that has shown up in my right leg. This can become serious, of course, if it were to migrate or float to some more dangerous spot. I am giving myself a daily shot of blood thinner just for prevention.
So, it is obvious, at this stage, that we are well past the description that the tumor is “advanced but localized”. Clearly the cancer is spreading beyond the pancreas itself. The question on the table is, what to do next?
Now comes the guessing game. Would more chemo be effective in combating the tumor? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only about 10% of patients respond well to chemo treatments, anyway. And, just how effective might it be? So you get those great kinds of questions . . . . Would you rather take the chance of living for 10 months, but with reduced quality of life because of the treatments, or would you take your chances for 6 months or less but without chemical side effects. Good questions, and you never get to know the real answers.
And I haven’t put aside completely that we might get a treatment that could have dramatic success as its result. So, as always, I am hoping for the best, but also realistically trying to get ready for the worst.
And, which alternative treatments to try, if any. And what to do with my time? What pleasures to indulge in, what art to make, what to do with the family, what activities are worthwhile, and which ones might I not be able to even do in a few months.
For now, we are planning to start up chemo again right after the New Year, but I would not be truthful if I didn’t say that all these questions are big on my mind, every day. So that is my update for now. As always, I will do my best to describe my thoughts and this whole adventure in as honest and straightforward way as I can.
Dennis wrote:
I am flattered and honored that people actually follow this blog, and based on input from several directions, I guess it is time to add an update about recent health events.One main aspect of my physical condition just now is that I am retaining fluids in a major way. This is a real nuisance, in that my lower extremities are just filling up. I look like one of those old people you see with the swollen ankles and legs (and other body parts, too, that I prefer not to discuss). It’s pretty comical, if you have a certain sense of humor, but mostly is a real hindrance. Basics such as putting on socks and pants, or climbing a flight of stairs or lifting your legs into bed become major accomplishments.
My stomach is swollen to what I would call a serious beer belly. I have a whole new sympathy for women pregnant in the later months (and cowboys with a real beer gut and a large cowboy belt buckle). No pair of pants fits, since there is so single spot where the pants will stay.
The partial remedy is that every week or so I go in to have my stomach drained. It is a miraculous procedure. They stick a needle into my stomach and literally drain out four or five liters. That is more than 10 pounds of fluid suddenly gone from my midsection, and boy, do I feel like a new man right after it happens. There is some discomfort to the procedure, of course, (nothing is a free ride here), but it still is a wonderful thing to me.
As to where the fluid is coming from, there could be several sources, so it is a little hard to trouble shoot this and just stop it at the origin. Evidence in this case shows that the fluid is primarily being caused by the tumor itself. The fluid does have cancer cells in it. This is not welcome news, of course, but hardly surprising. There have also been some suspicious spots that have shown up on the liver. We are also keeping an eye on a blood clot that has shown up in my right leg. This can become serious, of course, if it were to migrate or float to some more dangerous spot. I am giving myself a daily shot of blood thinner just for prevention.
So, it is obvious, at this stage, that we are well past the description that the tumor is “advanced but localized”. Clearly the cancer is spreading beyond the pancreas itself. The question on the table is, what to do next?
Now comes the guessing game. Would more chemo be effective in combating the tumor? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only about 10% of patients respond well to chemo treatments, anyway. And, just how effective might it be? So you get those great kinds of questions . . . . Would you rather take the chance of living for 10 months, but with reduced quality of life because of the treatments, or would you take your chances for 6 months or less but without chemical side effects. Good questions, and you never get to know the real answers.
And I haven’t put aside completely that we might get a treatment that could have dramatic success as its result. So, as always, I am hoping for the best, but also realistically trying to get ready for the worst.
And, which alternative treatments to try, if any. And what to do with my time? What pleasures to indulge in, what art to make, what to do with the family, what activities are worthwhile, and which ones might I not be able to even do in a few months.
For now, we are planning to start up chemo again right after the New Year, but I would not be truthful if I didn’t say that all these questions are big on my mind, every day. So that is my update for now. As always, I will do my best to describe my thoughts and this whole adventure in as honest and straightforward way as I can.
Dennis
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Just for the Pleasure
Dennis sticks to a specific daily routine which includes office work on the computer and paper cutting in the studio. He continues to teach himself the harmonica, "just for the pleasure of doing it" he told me.
Yesterday Dennis had 4 liters of liquids drained from his abdomen. The doctor reminded us that we are on borrowed time at this point, but Dennis continues on, just for the pleasure of doing it.
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