A Balancing Act

Dennis is still in the hospital and will most probably remain there throughout the weekend. The doctors want to keep an eye on him to make sure he does not develop an infection and to balance his pain medications. Getting his pain under control is a high priority right now. It is a delicate balancing act, getting just the right dosage to control the pain but not make him too hallucinatory. Dennis did get out of bed on Friday and walk around a bit, although every move exhausts him. Being in his best Dennis mode, he does approach each of these hurdles with humor and great determination. He needs to wear a warrior costume for Halloween!

A Quick Update

I just got home from being in the hospital with Dennis all day after this procedure he underwent to help relieve the jaundice which has been plaguing him. The last two days were particularly tough on his system with the toxins building up making him feel pretty miserable. The procedure today, a long string of consonants which I cannot fathom pronouncing let alone remember, went medium. The doctors were not able to complete the procedure in the fashion they were hoping for, but what they were able to accomplish has helped. He is in a tremendous amount of pain from the procedure but is feeling better without all that goop inside. They may try to complete the procedure again next week, but we will just have to see how he feels and what the doctors say tomorrow. He may come home tomorrow, but we have to wait and see how he does tonight.

He hasn't lost his sense of humor or his need to watch the Phillies play tonight, all of which is an excellent sign!

Autumn Colors

Dennis has become as golden as the autumn colors because of his jaundice.

The procedure he went through last week to help alleviate that problem did not work, so we are going to try another procedure this week. This time Dennis will be admitted into the hospital for the procedure, giving him more time to recuperate under watchful eyes. We are hoping this will do the trick, ridding him of built up toxins and some of the associated pain.

Practicing their scariest faces, they all fit right in with our Halloween decorations.

Who needs a Halloween mask with mugs like these?

The Elephant In The Room

The elephant fills the entire room on days like today, squeezing out thoughts of anything else. I forgot just how difficult the side effects of chemo are on Dennis. One of the hardest parts is not being able to make it all instantly better, to be able to make the pain go away.

It is impossible to ignore the elephant in the room on days like today. Even though it tries to take up all of our breathing space, we find the space in our hearts to change our worry into wonder, our fear into excitement, our sadness into happiness, and this time of turmoil into a time of peace.

It's just that some days the elephant seems bigger than others.

Another Round

Today started the next round of treatment after having been away for a few months. The treatment this round will not include radiation, only chemo by infusion once per week and daily as a pill.


This time we felt a bit more prepared, a bit more calm, a bit more in a warrior position. Dennis blocked out the chaos of the large room by listening to some guided meditation tapes. I can't talk for Dennis, but I could see that his face, his entire body, looked relaxed and less pinched, less fearful, as he drifted in and out of listening to the tapes.

Attitude of Gratitude

Golfing was the perfect activity to keep reality at bay as we waited for Dennis' most recent test results. While the short course we played at was a bit surreal, we were able to enjoy the warm autumn day.

The anxiety of waiting to hear the test results and what the next 6 weeks, until the next test, will bring into our lives has its own surreal qualities. Since Dennis has been off of any kind of treatment for the past two months, this test was especially significant. We found that without any treatment, the tumor has grown slightly. This will bring Dennis back into chemotherapy, with the hopes of stopping the tumor growth and any spreading to other parts of his body.

We live from test to test with a profound sense of gratitude
that our days are so filled with so many experiences.